Geschichte: The Moment everything fell apart

There are moments in my life where it gets difficult. There are moments in my life when everything is right. And then there's the moment, when everything falls apart.

I read the invitation letter to the feast and began to tremble. In this moment it reminded me of everything I didn't have or had in my life. The invitation reminded me, that I was just a young women, who lived her life, but didn't had one. I have scars, not physically, but on my soul. In all of this I began to laugh, but quickly changed to cry. The letter said, I should bring my partner with me. My last relationship was 3 years ago and it lasted just about 3 or 4 months. Since then I never had one anymore.

You might ask yourself why? I'm shy, although everyone would say the exact opposite. I feel ugly, but everyone would say 'she looks pretty'. I'm quiet sure, I'm not good enough for anyone, because I'm stupid or at least I feel that way. But I'm also sure everyone would say something different. Most of the time I feel insecure, naive, little and weak. But even my best friend tells me everyday, how strong she thinks I am and how she admires me for that.
But how can I be all that, when I feel and think different about me? How can I be all that, but preferably vanish out of my life.

How can it be, that everyone sees me so different then I see myself? I wish I just could disappear and never had to come back.

So the moment I remembered that, I got to bed and cried until I fell asleep. In the morning I remembered everything that happened last night, but in my mind I just put it away and got to school. Just like nothing ever happened, although I would like to tell someone how I feel. But I'm afraid they'll just laugh at me and tell me I'm silly.

Why I'm not with somebody? What do you think? I feel ugly, stupid, insecure, naive and weak. So my mind tells me nobody will love me for who I am. I just wish for myself that someday I'm going to be okay, I'm going to have the life I'd like to have. But I know it isn't true, because who wants a girl, who is emotionally a wrack?

Everyone of my friends is in a relationship, but not me. I confess I'm jealous of them. I only can wish for someone to fall in love with me or even look at me and see me, just me.

When the letter arrived it fell all apart. I have nothing to hold on in my life anymore. How can I live and don't have love in it? It's not worth it anymore. So, I just live on like I did so far and when the world seems to be doing alright without me, I'm gonna go. Because the moment when everything fell apart, already came.

Maybe out there, there is a young man, look right on the same invitation and thinks over his life, waiting for a nice girl, he can take care for her and enjoy all the little weaks she had, and think then, why I would not go to the feast. Maybe I find there this women I search my wohle life..
And then he is sad, that he did not find you there, because you wasn't there.
Will you brack his heart by not be there?

I'm thanking you for trying to cheer me up, but I'm a pessimist and I know that on this feast every single person will be taken. Because I know everyone of them.

It's sad, but I believe, I will be lonely for as long I live, not alone(I have still friends and my parents) but lonely...I just can wish that maybe someday maybe something changes...